When's the last time you went out on a date? No, seriously.

Nobody dates anymore.

At least we don't call it dating. Instead we say, "Would you like to get together sometime?" What, to discuss stock prices?

Or more likely, we meet someone in a bar, sleep with them, then decide if you want to "date."

In the old days, a date was a date. He was supposed to call you by Wednesday to ask you out for the following Saturday. The intention was clear. The Rules - that 50s throwback guide to dating - is desperately trying to revive this tradition, but most of us can't even plan what we're going to have for lunch that day, much less a date several days in advance. What if we change our minds by then?

And today, we're terrified of stating our intentions. Call it a date and suddenly it's laden with significance and, god forbid, expectations.

Like, what exactly does "Want to go to a movie sometime?" mean? If she invites you for lunch, is it a date? Does a movie on a Saturday night mean more than a movie on Sunday night?

And with sexual politics as confusing as they are, who invites whom? Thanks to feminism, we now have equal-opportunity rejection. Just a word here about turning someone down. Be gentle. Lie if you must. Say you're seeing someone else. Saying you're really busy for the next while only prolongs the agony. And you can only be going out of town to visit an old friend so many times.

Once one of you gets up the guts to ask if maybe the other person just might, possibly, perhaps, by some wild stretch of the imagination, want to go with you, that is, if they're not busy, you then have to decide what to do on the "non-date."

By all means, keep it informal. Your nephew's Christening, for example, is not a good first-date invitation. In fact, nothing involving family is allowed. The whole thing is nerve-wracking enough.

In general, dinner first time out is tough because it forces you into conversation with someone you probably know nothing about. If you find out within the first five minutes you'd rather keep it that way, you're stuck.

A movie with drinks or coffee after is often a good bet because the movie gives you something to talk about. It can also be very revealing if you loved the movie and he thinks it stunk.

Of course, most of us these days just skip the movie and just get right to the drinks, and plenty of 'em. While getting impaired can loosen things up, it can also impair your judgment. Him puking on your shoes might not seem so "cute" the next day.

And who pays? Being such a 90s chick (or someone who usually goes out with artist types; i.e. men with no money), I usually share expenses even if he asked me out. Besides, it hardly seems fair that the guy has to go through the agony of asking me out and footing the bill. Unless he insists. I'm not that much of a 90s chick.

It's a given that, if you're paying, the person being treated is under no obligation to offer a return on your investment. Which brings us to the whole point of dating. Sex. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's not just about sex, it's about compatibility, whether the person makes you laugh, whether you think you could stand waking up beside them naked. Like I said... whether you're gonna get any or not lingers over the whole event like the garlic at the dinner you ate too much of because you had nothing to say.

And the first kiss is your foot in the door.

So during the date (that neither of you is admitting is a date) you're both looking for the green light to make a move. But since no one is admitting it's a date, neither of you gives any signals and you both go home, alone, scratching your heads, trying to figure it out what it all meant.

Now, while even the potential of getting laid will make anyone more tolerant on a date, there are things that are intolerable on a date, or whatever you care to call it.

From the obvious - checking out other men or women, for example - to the seemingly obvious but still incredibly not to a lot of people - like talking about past relationships on a first date. It's bad enough that the whole thing feels more like an audition or a job interview than a date - you know, if you meet the requirements, you may get a call-back. But no one wants to compete with the ghosts of relationships past the first time they're out with someone.

Then there's the great "I'm not looking for a relationship" line. Perfect first-date killer. Or the person who's so eager to impress, he doesn't shut up about himself. There's this thing called conversation - one person talks, the other person listens and responds and vice versa - ever heard of it?

While, inevitably, throughout the date, you will be mentally ticking off all the requirements needed to make the short list ("Let's see, funny, listens, doesn't chew with his mouth open..."), leave the pen and paper at home, along with the personal agendas. You want to avoid making your date feel like a lab rat.

Getting out of a date if it stinks is always a bit tricky. Best to have a back-up plan and cab fare home.

And please (guys, are you listening?), if things don't work out and you're not planning on calling again, don't say you will. If you feel the need to say something at that awkward moment at the end of a not-so successful date, "That was nice, thanks a lot" will do just fine. The person will get the message.

If you did have a good time, however, do call. I love it when a guy calls the next day to say they had a good time with me the night before, especially if the feeling's mutual. I figure, if you like someone, tell them. If they don't feel the same way, better to find out now before wasting any more time. Honesty - what a novel idea, eh?

But hey, if you don't say it because you're afraid they'll freak out, do you really want to be with someone like that anyway?

And the beauty of all of this is that if you survive the first non-date, you then get to figure out if you want a second non-date with the person.